Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The Men of Star Trek

Despite Star Trek being known for its babes, especially The Original Series, the franchise has had more than its fair share of beefcake.  These men are near and dear to my heart, as not only are they attractive, but in some cases, were among the first crushes I ever nursed.  And since we are nerds, nothing makes us happier than a numbered list.

Obviously, this list is highly subjective and personal, so take its universality with a grain of quadrotriticale.

And now here they are, the Top 10 Men of Star Trek....

Matthew started his list with some honorable mentions, as will I.  My honorable mentions all tie together with a theme.  These are the guys I thought were totally cute when I first watched the show as an adolescent/teenager, and as a result, they are all closer to the age I was then than the rest of the men who populate this list.  If Tiger Beat had a Star Trek section, these guys would be in it.  Wesley Crusher, Icheb, and Q Junior.  

I was not the biggest fan of Wesley Crusher as a character, though I have become a fan of Wil Wheaton the actor and human being, who seems far less annoying.  I was never a member of alt.wesley.die.die.die commnity or anything, but he did start to grate after a while.  You know what remedies some bad character development?  Some ass-hugging gray uniform trousers.  That's what.  Seriously, how were those even legal?  He was like sixteen, wearing a tighter uniform than Marina Sirtis. 

As for Icheb and Q Junior, they're both pretty and smart, which definitely qualifies them as my type.  I liked Icheb being all sensitive and deep, whereas I like Q Junior precisely because he was so cocky and arrogant.

You know something's true about Roxann Dawnson and the B'Elanna make-up, and it's true about Icheb and the little Borg implant in the bridge of his nose.  It totally makes him more attractive.  It's like the Bajoran nose ridges on the several painfully hot Bajoran men that have graced Star Trek.

I've posted the relevant pictures of Icheb and Q, but I've been holding off the picture of Wesley for the end of this section because I think it sets up the main body of this post quite nicely.  It's from Wil Wheaton's own blog, WWdN: In Exile, and the picture pretty much speaks for itself.

Damn straight, Mr. Wheaton.  Set phasers to "smoking hot"...

10.  Lieutenant Robert Tomlinson
TOS "Balance of Terror"
played by Stephen Mines

He's dreamy, dreamy in a way that only men of the 1960s could achieve.  They let their hair grow out a little, but they still have the overall clean-cut wholesomeness of the 50s.  *sigh*  It's really a shame that he died, especially since Spock was able to save that jackass Stiles.  Come on, Spock.  Isn't it more logical to save the nice guy everyone wants to bone?  The needs of the many (the gay boys watching the show) clearly outweigh the needs of the one (whatever dude played Stiles).

9.  Malko and the other guy from the Hoobitian Baths holosuite program
DS9 "The Way of the Warrior"
played by unknown, but hot, actors

I'm not above fawning over cheap beefcake.  Do you hear that, Star Trek producers?  I am not above that.  At all.  I liked their presences, as I do so much of Quark's holosuite programs, for they acknowledge what holodeck technology is for:  incredibly realistic simulations of sex.  What other reason would we invent this technology?  That's right...there isn't one.  We have them so we can get fantastic massages from Malko and What's-his-name.

8.  Norvo Tigan
DS9 "Prodigal Daughter"
played by Kevin Rahm

Let's just pretend he never went crazy or killed anyone or anything.  It makes it easier.

Norvo was a real artistic guy.  Senstive.  A painter.  (Bonus points for anyone who caught the "Cell Block Tango" reference there.)  As will be evidenced by the totality of this list, I have a weakness for nerds.  And he's so vulnerable.  It's brings out my inner protector.  Oooh...and the actor is totally the gay wife on Desperate Housewives now.  Let the slash commence!

7.  Apollo
TOS "Who Mourns for Adonais?"
played by Michael Forest

Can't go wrong with a short, sparkly man-skirt, can you?  Also, there's the whole "I can grow several times my current size" thing which has all sorts of implications if applied properly.  This guy has a really pretty chest, and I totally want the gig as the make-up assistant whose job it was to apply the foundation to blend his nipples into his chest.  I could do that job.  With distinction.

I will leave any tasteless jokes about his ability to grow in size to the commenters.

6. Captain James T. Kirk...both of them, actually
TOS, Movies I-VII
played by William Shatner
Star Trek (2009)
played by Chris Pine 

Let's be honest with ourselves.  Chris Pine is fine.  There are like three or four salvageable moments in Star Trek (2009) and one of them is definitely Chris Pine in his underwear.  Between the two, he is certainly the more "model" handsome.  But let us not discount the original.  In his youth, William Shatner was quite the looker. Maybe it had something to do with the light permanently cast across his eyes that made them twinkle ever so. But it's more than that.  Shatner imbued Kirk with a charisma that even Chris Pine's generous bulge cannot match.  It's really no mystery why he got so much tail in TOS.  He made you want to want him.  No two ways about it.

There's no reason to post this next picture other than the fact that I can.

Again, the requisite jokes about the Captain's Log will left in the capable hands of the commenters.  But seriously, that man is gorgeous.

5.  And while we're dipping back and forth between parallel universes...
TOS, Movies I-VI, TNG and Star Trek (2009)
played by Leonard Nimoy
Star Trek (2009)
played by Zachary Quinto

Like the Kirks, Star Trek (2009)'s Zachary Quinto is the more classically hot.  What can I say?  I have a thing for dark, brooding nerds.  It's a weakness.  A powerful, powerful weakness.  But also like the Kirks, there is something compelling about the original Spock, especially in his youth, that is inimitable.  Nimoy imbued the character with this strata of passion and depth that I think is safe to say forced the writers add a layer of suppressed emotions to the entire Vulcan people.  Even when nothing escaped to surface, one look into those dark eyes revealed the tortured soul within.  God...I'm acting like a woman right of a nineteenth century romance novel, aren't I?  Anyhoo, moving right along...Kirk wants you and he lets you know it.  But with Spock, you have to be the agressor.  You have to find the way to crack that cool, collected exterior.  It's certainly more work than succumbing to Kirk's more obvious charms, but the rewards would definitely make it worth the effort. 

Also, can you imagine going at it during a mind-meld?  Yeah.  That's what I'm saying.

4.  George Kirk 
Star Trek (2009)
played by Chris Hemsworth

One of the other of the handful of unqualified good things to come out of the new movie was the addition of Captain Kirk's father.  Maybe it's the eyes or the broad chest and shoulders.  Maybe it's the chiseled jawline or pouty lips.  Maybe it's the ability to sacrifice for others.  In the end it doesn't matter.  He's hot and that's all that's important.  Swoon.  On a side note, I could not find a good picture of this character with no lens flares in it.  Note to J.J. Abrams: Lighten up dude.  You're like Homer Simpson and the star wipe.

3.  Benyan
DS9 "Covenant"
played by Jason Adams

Lots of Bajoran men featured on the show are quite attractive.  It's something about the nose ridges.  It makes them look really deep, or like they are laughing at some private joke all the time.  But Benyan is my favorite.  He's hot, and he's a brooding-tortured-artist type.  I am powerless to resist. 

2.  This was a close one.  This next fellow almost took the whole thing.  It was a tough decision, but there is no shame in losing a fair fight cleanly.  A very close second place is awarded to

Commander Charles "Trip" Tucker III
played by Conner Trineer

Oh, how do I love thee.  Let me count the ways.  Just one sentence uttered in that gentle, Southern drawl and I melt.  Also, let's be honest, he fills out that jumpsuit quite nicely.  And, at long last attending to a long-neglected demographic, they had that boy running around the ship in his little blue briefs all the damn time.  Fucking finally.

And again, there is no reason for this next picture other than it's my post and you'll look at what I tell you to look at.

Yeah.  Look at that.  Just look at it.

Also, the actor seems like a really sweet guy, and has a few other sci-fi credits to his resume that rounds him out as a nigh on perfect nerd-crush.  Plus, let's not forget the added spice of the several slash opportunities the writers handed the Internet with regards to Lieutenant Reed.  Trapped in shuttle together?  Stripped down and then tied together by two trannies?  Is it even subtext anymore?  But now, for first place...

1.  Can there be any surprise at all?  Number one with a bullet is...

Captain Jean-Luc Picard
TNG, DS9, Movies VII-X
played by Patrick Stewart

He wasn't the first man I ever had a crush on, but he was the first man I ever wanted to marry.  Think about it.  The heart of a poet and the soul of an explorer.  Also, he is in seriously good shape for a man in his 50s.  They had him running around in short shorts and plunging v-neck jammies quite a bit.  He also rocked being bald like no man has before or since.  I think most of all, it's that mischievous little glimmer in his eye when smiles.  He's trouble. He knows he's trouble.  But he's sophisticated, cultured trouble.

I find it fitting that Matthew picked Kemala as his favorite woman of Star Trek, and I picked the man she picked for herself.  Everything she said about him in "Perfect Mate" was dead on.  I like the person I would be around him.

So there it is.  My top 10.  I hope you had as much fun reading it as I had writing it.  I doubt that, as having to locate the pictures myself, I had to sort though a lot of shirtless publicity shots of several of the actors to find the appropriate Star Trek-related ones.  :)


  1. No Tom Paris?!?

    My top 5 would be:
    1. Tom Paris/Nick Lacarno (I'm still not sure why they created a new character)
    2. Trip
    3. Original Spock (I'm not into Quinto's Spock at all)

    I haven't thought beyond that, although Icheb might be up there. I didn't watch the show when it aired, so he seems a bit young to me. But he was 22 when the episodes were filed, and in real life, the actor is exactly my age.

  2. George Kirk is sort of my favorite on the list-- I cry pretty much every time for his big scene, which is particularly humiliating since it's before the titles even happen. And he serves as a sort of visual missing link between Trip and Kirk doesn't he? Seriously, line those photos up (Chris Pine, not Shatner... The guy who plays Kirk Sr. looks so much like Pine at first I thought they'd tried to save money by dressing up the same actor.)

    Watching the old episodes though, definitely surprised by how hot young Shatner was. Even with the weird, control-top captain's uniform he's wearing. And same for classic Spock, though some episodes are more blue-eyeshadow-happy than others.

  3. I'd be interested to hear your rationale for Tom Paris, Kelly. I don't think he's a common pick.

  4. Are you kidding?? I had a major thing for Tom Paris when I was in high school. He was handsome, he was rebelious, he had walked on the wild side, he was a mercernary (for a time), and ultimately he redeemed himself! What's not to find sexy?

  5. Tom Paris never did it for me. Nick Locarno was totally hot, oddly enough. I think it was how quickly his hair thinned that killed it for me. I never really liked Harry that much either. The only way either of them seemed hot to me was in contemplating the numerous slashy moments they had on the show. I can't tell you how eager I am to get the review of "Chute." :)

  6. First: Let me start by saying that, to no surprise I'm sure, all three of your honorable mentions would have made my Top 10. With some Jono in there as well. I'm convinced you created your own honorable mention category just to avoid both some serious scolding from me at home and the inevitable eye exam that would have had to follow.

    Second: Paris stopped being cute when he stopped being Nick Locarno. (Something about the weird hairline. He has nice eyes though.)

    Third: I kinda get the whole Picard, Too Sexy For My Tunic, thing. But he should have to win in a more restricted category of some kind. Like Sexiest over 50. Or, Sexiest of the bald people. Or, Sexiest of those who own their own riding saddle.

    Last: I'm a little disappointed not to see Lt. Hawk on your list. Age might quickly have done bad things to the actor, but he was pretty snazzy looking back then. He made me hope the new Enterprise-E had a decent dance club aboard.

  7. I'm not saying the boys aren't pretty. They just don't produce the same visceral reaction that the list proper does for me. I look at Icheb and say "Oh, he's cute." I look at Tucker, and I'm lost for words.

    I totally forgot about Hawk. And he was hot. However, not only did he age really badly, he's also another in a line of characters that was "supposed to be gay but vetoed at the last second by an anonymous producer." It would just hurt too much to put him on the list now. Everything he could have been but wasn't and everything he became cancels out everything he was.

    That being said, he's totally gay in the books and everyone should go read them. Turns out, he was into bears.

    As far a dance club on the Enterprise, I am totally picturing Picard and Data at the bar, nodding their heads to the side in unison to Haddaway's "What is Love?"

  8. As an addendum, I need to meet the friend of Wil Wheaton who made that picture and shake their hand. I first saw it a couple of weeks ago, and every time I look at it, I crack up. I think it's the use of "sez" that elevates it to art.

  9. Perhaps I'm just a mushy romantic, but it's the way Tom Paris looks at B'Elanna and the way Trip looks at T'Pol that does it for me. Plus, they both seem like they know how to have fun. I'm incapable of taking personality out of the equation!

  10. I'll give you that. A large swath of Captain Picard's appeal for me is his mind, so I'm there with you on that. Part of Trip's appeal is definitely his "aww, shucks, ma'am" attitude.

    In the end, any ranking of this type is highly subjective. I think it would be interesting to see everyone's top 10, as it would provide fascinating insights into people's personalities.

    For example, I think a careful analysis by a skilled professional of my list might reveal, if only in a hinting, obscured way, that I am as gay as a picnic basket. Shocking, I know, but the evidence is irrefutable.

  11. I found Tom Paris and Harry to be the most fantasy-inspiring characters in all of Trekdom for me, especially together.

  12. I'd say my personal #1 would be MirrorSpock, closely followed by original Spock, and original Kirk on third place. I'm not particularly into Quinto's Spock, to be honest- Zachary is a good-looking man, but Spock's haircut didn't suit him very well IMO.

    Anyway, it was fun to read this list and your explanations for why you find each of these men attractive (not that they NEED an explanation, I can see perfectly well why they're in this list- you've got good taste :) )

  13. 1. Trip
    2. Trip
    3. Trip
    4. Trip
    5. Trip

    I used to have a crush on Paris too, but Trip is just soooo fiiine.

  14. 1. Picard
    2. Q
    3. Chakotay
    4. Riker
    5. Data

  15. 1) Q
    2) Archer
    3) Picard
    4) Chakotay
    5) Data

  16. In my book no list is complete without Travis Mayweather, he served as the pilot in Enterprise!

    Of course, Trip - Charles Tucker III - Yeah for blue underwear!
    Archer was pretty hot in those blue underwear also
    Dr. Bashir was pretty hot on Deep Space 9
    Benjamin Sisko, of course
    Captain Picard, of course

    Rounding out the last of the last in no particular order:
    Tom Paris, the new alternate universe young Captain Kirk & Spock, and last but definitely not least in what ever he appears in Chris Hemsworth

  17. Gowron. He's funny and I like watching the emotional whirlwind that is his face.

  18. Is this just about their looks? Cause, I have to admit, and I may be in the minority here, but my least favorite Trek Captain is Kirk both old and new. I never found the original to be anything more than just a pretty boy in a tight suit. Kirk's style of command, if one can call the casual way with which he breezes through the ship, assignments, missions and his role, "commanding", has always struck me as casual and optional. Like he was just hanging out there on the bridge having been bestowed a rank and thus given the opportunity to order people around. he always struck as more appropriate for the role of the entertainment director on the cruise ship than a respectable Starship captain who earned his rank and osiiton via hard work and by making the touch choices.

    He never struck as someone who had earned his rank or as if he even belonged into a military type of command hierarchy. He just doesnt command respect and the kind of demeanor you expect out of a starfleet captain or anyone in such a top command position.

    On a personal level I always found him boring and predictable. No mystery, no depth, no complications as a character - no demons he was fighting, nothing you can discern that shaped him into the complicated person we get to meet.

    Being good looking and fucking a lot chicks can only get you so far and it doesnt make you particularly interesting or enticing of a character I want to know more about. I always found his demeanor mechanical and aloof - I never really felt him as a person who has normal-person characteristics and issues. He is just overrated in my opinion. And now that I am actually writing all this I am not so sure anymore that Chris Pine's portrayal of him as a kind of a creepy lech was so out of place.

    And yes, where in the hell is Jonathan Archer? Those eyes, that body, his god that man was almost 50 years old making ENT and he never looked better. That scene where Rajin feels him up still is the hottest thing I have ever seen on Star Trek.

  19. yeah and no Tom Paris? ?? Seriously? A bad boy with a mischievous side gone good? I had a crush on him since day one. Shit, my first boyfriend in college looked like him - as a matter of fact so have most of the guys I have dated/had the hots for think that means something? ;)

  20. It's ironic, but Matt carries more of a torch for Paris than I ever did. He's not unattractive, but he never really did it for me, either romantically or as a character. He's not bad, he's just not one of my favorites.