Sunday, January 31, 2010

Trek's Hottest Women

Before engaging in a Top (insert number) list of hottest (insert gender), one must address this question: What is Hot?

Well, I had always been under the impression that like many modern usages, the conflation of "hot" with sexual attraction came from Shakespeare. The Online Etymology Dictionary states that it "dates back to 1500." For my intents and purposes, this is what I mean by it: "Hotness" is that state of being in which the sight or thought of an individual inspires sexual thoughts.

So by that rubric, although I find Captain Janeway and B'Elanna Torres to be lovely women with many admirable qualities, they don't make this list. I have to have experienced the emotional/intellectual state mentioned above in order to put them on a list like this.

And of course, any list like this is quite subjective. You can amend the criterion above, for the purposes of my list, to: "Hotness" is that state of being in which the sight or thought of an individual inspires Matthew's sexual thoughts. And given that this is the criterion for such a list, please excuse me if I dip into some saucier linguistic expression, here.

All right then. Without further ado...

Honorable mentions:

Here are characters who may have reached the threshold of inclusion if it were not for some mitigating circumstance.

Hoshi Sato
played by Linda Park

Anyone who knows me well knows I can appreciate an Asian beauty as much as the next guy. And Hoshi certainly fits the bill. But her character is so whiny, annoying, and underdeveloped, that she only rates an honorable mention. I mean, she'd do in a pinch, but anyone further up on the list would come first.


TNG Season One
Played by Denise Crosby
Despite what may be the worst 80's haircut ever, Denise Crosby was a pretty fine piece of tail. Two factors knocked her off the list: 1. her abrupt departure; 2. Knowing what she eventually looks like. Time and life out of Trek did not treat Ms. Crosby well. I'm not saying it's Carrie Fisher level, but still.

Played by Nichelle Nichols
Lieutenant Uhura was a babe, to be sure, and she inspired a generation of women of color. So I appreciate her place in Trek. I think I just saw way too many shots of red Starfleet-issue granny panties to put her on the list.

Played by Marina Sirtis
Another victim of the late 1980's, as well as some pretty bad writing, Counselor Troi didn't really come into her own until the above-pictured dress. She looked better still in her blue Commander uniform, but the damage had been done. My dad was into her, though. Maybe that's what did it...

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And now, the list proper.

The Top 20 Trek Hotties
Voyager "Ashes to Ashes"
Played by Kim Rhodes
Call me a weirdo, call me a fetishist (exophilia?), but I really liked Ensign Lindsay Ballard in her alien form. It helped that she was designed and written to be Harry's crush from the academy. The actress really gave her a lot of charm, and I enjoyed every second she was on screen. Good job, Harry, on finally getting to nail that school crush.



19. Kaitaama
Enterprise "Precious Cargo"
Played by Padma Lakshmi
This one falls into the category of "yeah, she's annoying... but DAMN!" The character was grating, the episode was boring, but come on. It's Padma Lakshmi. The woman you just might eat anything off of. She might have rated higher if I didn't have to picture her and Salman Rushdie... (shudder).


TNG "The Emissary," "Reunion"
Played by Suzie Plakson
There were a few infuriatingly tragic decisions made by the TNG producers. Punting on Picard/Beverly. Axing Beverly for Dr. Pulaski (although I liked the performance). Ending the show at all. But this one may be the biggest: the Killing of K'Ehleyr. Maybe they didn't want to have to spell her name in script after script. I don't know. But I'm racking my brain to figure out a rational explanation for this. Suzie Plakson played her with such spunk, verve, charm, and intelligence, that she would have made a perfect recurring addition to the cast. Heck, she might have even made Worf interesting. Suzie, I'd sniff your wrists any day.


17. Crewman Elizabeth Cutler
Enterprise (recurring)
Played by Kellie Waymire
This was a tragedy of a different sort - Crewman Cutler was a sweet, charming, but still eminently you-know-what-able addition the the NX-01 crew. Unfortunately, the actress passed away from an undiagnosed heart condition. I miss Crewman Cutler, and I think she would have made those interminable middle seasons of Enterprise just a little bit better. I loved her in her role as an actress in Voyager's episode "Muse," as well. Ms. Waymire was a charming actress and her untimely passing was a tragedy .


TNG "The First Duty," "Lower Decks"
Played by Shannon Fill
Another one for the fanfic writers: Ensign Sito's apparent death was kind of a noodle-scratcher. First seen at the academy, she was kind of a non-presence. But on board the Enterprise, she tussled with Worf, stood up to mean old Baldy, and was quite a little charmer. Maybe I have something for the figure skater-gymnast type. Maybe it's those crinkly noses. But Sito, baby, I'd give you a different sort of Occupation to worry about...

15. Martia
Played by Iman
It almost feels like cheating to list Martia. I mean, it's friggin' Iman. A woman who looks genetically engineered for being on a magazine cover. From a nation of women with outrageous cheekbones by birth (although I hear Somalia has a few downsides... but I digress). But hey, I'm not going to fault her for being a supermodel. Maybe it's the accent, maybe it's the physical perfection talking, but I may just be able to get over her looking like the Shat for a minute or two.

14. Marlena Moreau (Mirror)
TOS "Mirror, Mirror"
Played by Barbara Luna
Of all the bare-midriffed denizens of the Mirror Universe, it is hard to think of one more alluring than "the Captain's woman," Marlena Moreau. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. James T. Kirk is superhuman, having left this sex-slave behind.


13. Zarabeth
TOS "All Our Yesterdays"
Played by Mariette Hartley
Perhaps it was the way it was revealed, but when Zarabeth takes off her furs, it was like "Ba-DAMN!" It's easy to see why, emotionally addled or not, Spock was all over this prehistoric hottie. But not only does she have a nice face, a killer body, and a risqué fashion sense, she is also sweet, kind, caring, and even a political criminal to boot. If I had to be trapped with an alien during an ice age, yep, Zarabeth is who I'd choose.

12. Droxine
TOS "The Cloud Minders"
Played by Diana Ewing
I'm not going to say a whole lot here, except to say these two things:

1. William Ware Theiss is my kind of perv. He knows what he's working with, and plays up exactly what the situation needs.
2. In support of item number 1, I direct your attention to the above photo.

11. Yeoman Tonia Barrows
TOS "Shore Leave"
Played by Emily Banks
By far the best thing about this particular episode, I almost feel bad putting a picture like this here. It almost makes me feel a little bit dirty.

...almost.


10. Andrea
TOS "What Are Little Girls Made Of?"
Played by Sherry Jackson
Choosing the hottest female guest star from The Original Series is sort of like trying to choose which Porsche you'd like to drive. They're all such sleek, beautiful, high-performance models. How can you choose? Won't you regret not driving the Spyder if you go for the GT1? Well, it was a task. But I'd like you to direct your attention to the photo above. Biggedy-BAM! The outfit, the hair, the oodles upon oodles of realistic flesh... let's just say this. Captain James T. Kirk is a superhero. Why? Because after saying "kiss me," he didn't then immediately follow up with a set of much more anatomically rigorous instructions. No, he got on with the mission. THAT'S why.

9. Vina
TOS "The Cage"
Played by Susan Oliver
Speaking of superhuman resistance to temptation, Captain Pike displayed quite the power of will when he turned down Vina, here. If I'm stranded on Talos IV, with this woman in her little silver frock begging to please me in every which way, I'd at least have given the Talosians a good show for a week or two. Not convinced?

Yup.

8. Jadzia Dax
DS9, Seasons 1-6
Played by Terry Farrel
Long, lanky, spotted, and lovely. That's Jadzia Dax. Terry Farrell is model-quality in terms of physical appearance, but she also played the character with a fierce intelligence. Why she wanted to leave is beyond me. Plus:
But hey, at least that meant we got to see...

7. Ezri Dax
DS9, Season 7
Played by Nicole De Boer
Blasphemy? Outrage? Say what you want. I'm a sucker for a short haircut, a petite cutie, and that dazzling smile. Ezri was cuter than cute could be, but not in an asexual Kes sort of way. No, I'd definitely take a whack at giving the Dax symbiont a few indelible new memories, believe me...


TOS "By Any Other Name"
Played by Barbara Bouchet


I can't believe I almost missed this one. I've added her after doing the review for this episode. DAMN. Ms. Bouchet has model-quality looks, to be sure. The revealing jumpsuit doesn't hurt her appeal, either. But the main thing she has going for her is the TOS-tasic sex fantasy aspect of "I am new to human emotions/sensations. Please teach me how to kiss, hug, [[insert depraved sex act here]]." Um, Yes Please!


Voyager, Seasons 4-7
Played by Jeri Ryan
All right, things are getting serious, now. When Two... whoops, I mean Seven of Nine... is number 5 on your list, you know you're getting into the cream of the crop. I mean, this woman was essentially tasked with saving the show from so-so ratings and viewer inattention. And, well, ba-doing... Mission Accomplished. It certainly helped that the writers gave her tons to do, and that she turned out to be a heck of an actress. She's not even really my type, but I simply can't deny the sheer, mesmeric, undulating, pendulous talent she brought to every appearance.
Yeah, I think they were going for something here. See if you can identify it.


4. Beverly Crusher
TNG
Played by Gates McFadden
Doctor Beverly was my prototype-MILF before I knew what a MILF was. There's something to be said for dance as a tonic for sheer sexual magnetism, even into your forties. The above photo is from Generations, by the way, more than 7 years after the show began - she got hotter as she aged! The Dancing Doctor had a rockin' bod, a fiery red mane, bone structure to die for, creamy porcelain skin, and a wonderful mix of intelligence and compassion. I wish that TNG had given her more to do than moon after old Baldy and get boned by Symbiont Riker. And let's not mention Ronin...

3. Robin Lefler
TNG "Darmok," "The Game"
Played by Ashley Judd
Sigh, Robin Lefler. It always seemed like TNG was on the verge of introducing a cute young woman, but they always flubbed it. Sonia Gomez, Sito Jaxa, and the tragedy of tragedies, Robin Lefler. She was smoking hot, addicted to nerds (Wesley, you dog...), a creative writer... and let's face it. She looks like Ashley Judd.

Can I just say, WTF, TNG? WTF?!?!


2. T'Pol
Played by Jolene Blalock
Also known as "Seven of Nine Part Deux," T'Pol was Berman/Braga's shameless, bald-faced attempt to make Star Trek "sexier." Little did they know they would inherit a fine actress, an opinionated spitfire, and a true Trek fan in the deal. A lesser actress would have simply become a pinup, whereas Blalock really imbued her character with an inner life. You could tell she was a Vulcan, if of course a perverse, sex-fiend Vulcan.

Berman/Braga spared no attempt at putting FHM model Jolene Blalock into compromising positions that showed off her assets. Decon gel, drug addiction, erotic dreams, the obligatory mind-rape... but I still respected T'Pol and Ms. Blalock after every indignity.


Yes, after every indignity. Because DAMN...

TNG "The Perfect Mate"
Played by Famke Jansenn

TNG was not exactly a babe repository, like TOS was. We usually got Yareena of the hideous Jheri Curl, planet of the sexless androgynes, or planet of the Cagneys and Laceys. (Not that I have something against tomboys... Jo from The Facts of Life was my favorite...). But when TNG delivered, they DELIVERED.

Kamala is the perfect storm of hotness. Her character is written specifically to be appealing to men, ALL men. Everyone on screen is magnetically drawn to her, and, given the casting of Famke Jansenn at the absolute peak of her hotness, I would wager every viewer was, too.

                                           Exhibit A: Peak of Hotness.

This isn't even the sort of overtly sexual hotness that comes from character like Andrea, Seven, or T'Pol. This is like the Platonic form of hotness, manifesting itself on your television screen, taunting you for your inability to ever truly attain something so flawlessly hot.


Scene after scene of hotness, charm, and grace fill "The Perfect Mate." An entire bar-full of rowdy workers (just go with it) breaks into a riot over her beauty. Riker has to run off to the Holodeck, panting and sweating, immediately after she works her wiles on him. She growls at Worf, and we worry that some sort of Grace Jones moment is about to unfold.


Frankly, Picard's character was weakened in my eyes by his interludes with two of the top 5 here. He was a self-absorbed douchebag to spurn Beverly's affections. He should have built a life with her. But, on top of that, to spurn Kamala? I question his ability to make command decisions: Jean-Luc, once you know that she has empathically bonded to you, and that crusty old crone is going to inherit her as-is, either way, it is your DUTY to nail Kamala. You'll be happier, she'll be happier, everyone will be happier.


I am for you, Alrik of Valt? No, no... I am for you, Kamala.




22 comments:

  1. P.S., all of this is done with tongue firmly in cheek, acknowledging that there is truly only one hottie for me, my wife Kelly ;)

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    1. You are such a loser dude... lol.

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    2. Kidding. Hope you knew that.

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  2. Damn dude, that list is WIN!

    Even though I never saw any episodes of Enterprise, several pictures of T'Pol have leaked out onto the Interwebz, and damn, she is fine.

    I will say that your choice of Ezri Dax over Jadzia is kind of a puzzling choice, as I always found Jadzia to be more of a compelling character. Sisko had a chemistry with Jadzia that IMO, he never had with Ezri.

    I always found B'Elanna Torres hot.

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  3. Good thing Matthew added that comment! ;)

    I agree that B'Elanna is hot. Although I don't know what it says about me that I find her more attractive as half-Klingon. I thought she was kind of bland as a human in Faces.

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  4. I have to agree that I always liked Jadzia more, and props for Sito(Lower Decks is one of my favorite episodes I think)

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  5. Did I like Jadzia more? Maybe. But was Ezri hotter? In my book, yes. It all boils down to a person's attraction template, I suppose.

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  6. I had no idea that Dad had a thing for Troi... I learn something new everyday!

    As far as Ezri vs. Jadzia... I have to agree with Matthew. Terry Farrel is a beautiful woman, but in a colder and more distant way. Nicole DeBoer is sexier in a more attainable and relatable way.

    And Kamala as number one in Matthew's eyes is NO surprise to me! He fawned over Famke Jansenn from day one!

    But what about Vash? :)

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  7. Dad frequently mentioned the blue boob dress, and mom frequently teased him about it. So I presume there was some sort of preference there.

    I liked Vash when I was younger, in the way I liked a swimsuit model or something. My tastes weren't totally developed. Now, in hindsight, she's kind of hard and sinewy in an unattractive way, sort of cougar-ish and vulgar.

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  8. Ooooo... what about Amanda (as played by Olivia D'Abo)?

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  9. Meh. I like the character, and she's cute. But she doesn't set my phasers to "stunning."

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  10. Why isn't Terry Farrell on the 'honorable mention' list? You say bad writing did Troi in, but couldn't the same be said for Dax (hence, why Farrell left the show)?

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    1. Well, Terry Farrell is way hotter than Marina Sirtis. Bad writing certainly hampered T'Pol's character, but... boi-oi-oing!

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    2. WOW! Some great choices, but several misses and to put Kamala at number one is just plain wrong!! How about Brenda Baake?? Absolutely sex personified on the one about Wesley being sentenced to death on the "sexy planet". Or, you can go back to the TOS and find some more besides the couple that you listed. You really missed on picking Zarabeth over Odona (Sharon Acker) of the Mark Of Gideon. Rayna Kopec (Louise Sorel) on Requiem For Methusaleh was fantastic as well. Or, perhaps the most beautiful woman to ever play on TOS, Carolyn Palomas (Leslie Parrish) on Who Mourns for Adonis. Her face was as gorgeous as anyone ever to play on TOS. If you love raw sexuality, you have to love Shawna (Angelique Pettyjohn) from The Gamesters Of Triskelion. Some great ones, but, with the exception of Lefler, your list missed after Seven of Nine.

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    3. Marmac: Your terms intrigue me--"sex personified", "sexy planet", and "raw sexuality". I realize these women are in the entertainment industry so we shouldn't be surprised that they play the sex card in order to get a paycheck. Nevertheless, I'm saddened that these women are somebody's daughter, somebody's sister, maybe even somebody's wife, and so why should YOU look at them lustfully? By the way, ditto for Monica Lacy and Holly Morgan. Of course, this is IMHO.

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    4. OOPS...the comment above is directed to Marmac2768 --just wanted that to be specific.

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    5. Anonymous, is that even a serious reply? "Sexy planet" is just that. A planet specifically written to be filled with attractive people is hardly making the VIEWER out to be disrepecting "someones daughter".
      I've seen way more disrepectful comments than that one. Besides, virtually all those "daughters" want to get nailed themselves at several points in their life. Please don't make turned-on men out as 'Inflicting sex' on their opposite gender. Use some decorum, sure, but in the end; we want it and they want it.

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    6. Couldn't disagree with you more. It must be your own inflated ego that makes you think women want you and "it".

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  11. Marmac2768, are you the same marmac that is a pastor in Mobile, Alabama? Interesting - - - - - - - - - - - - -

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  12. I'd have given most beautiful TOS woman to France Nguyen, who played Elaan of Troyius.

    Of all the new series women, I'd probably have to go with T'Pol/Jolene Blalock.

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  13. Deanna Troi was DEFINITELY my
    #1 hottie on TNG, followed by Beverly Crusher! Both VERY sexy!

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  14. Great list. I personally loved 2 (alien) characters most people leave off their lists:

    1) Commander Donatra of the Romulan Empire, in Star Trek Nemesis. Played by the always-awesome Dina Meyer. She was Dina in Romulan make-up. What else can you say?

    2) B'etor, everyone's favorite boobalicious fem-Klignon. Something about her was always striking.

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